Unearthing... Me.

A disclaimer: These posts are going to be for me. I'm not considering an audience as I write these. But you are welcome here, and I hope, if you're in survival mode too, you can take something from my unearthing and sift through your own debris.



Is it motherhood that wears you thin? Like favorite pajamas. Comfortable but threadbare and see-through (and not in a good way).

Or is it just adulthood? I've read so many articles, blogs, books lately that seem to think it's motherhood.

Could be.

But I think it's adulthood. The ubiquitous combination of responsibilities that careen you into survival mode.

Survival mode. That's where I've been. Functioning. Just barely. Far, FAR from living.

Far from experiencing joy or even pain. Emotions, while trying to survive, are extraneous and inefficient.

I'm starting to sift through the layers of debris. Years of misleading and hurtful self-affirmations. I'm starting to remember what it means to be me: unique and -- I'll say it -- beautiful me.

Even writing that I'm beautiful creates a sense of repulsion in me. I've abhorred arrogance and inflated egos since I've noticed those attributes in others. So I made every attempt to not embody arrogance myself. I've gone the opposite direction, and instead, berated my physical appearance most of my life.

Carl Jung wrote, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves."

Funny thing is, I'm a first-born know-it-all. I still possess arrogance and pride but only in my opinions and knowledge. And no, I don't know any more useless information than the average know-it-all. I'm not a genius and usually, these days, I have a hard time holding a semi-coherent intellectual (or basic, everyday) conversation. Survival mode, I tell you.


Here's another Carl Jung quote for you: "What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? Herein lies the key to your earthly pursuits."

In trying to unearth who I actually am, I mean, in all reality, who I am absolutely meant to be without the barriers that I've created for myself, I'm going to try to remember who I knew I was as a girl.

What memories from my childhood evoke the strongest emotions in me?

-- Playing in the woods with Parker and Tyler, making up Civil War and Native American stories: Heartaching nostalgia for a past I never experienced.

-- Digging for buried treasure in a red dirt pile: Humming energy of possible discovery -- and absolute belief that we would find something.

-- Creating "rivers" in said red dirt pile: Learning/discovery while watching the way water found paths to the low ground

-- Drawing house plans and outfits: Concentration and desire. Knowledge of what I liked and who I wanted to become when I got older -- stylish with a beautiful home (usually with a portico in the center of the house). I desired these things not for the approval of others but for satisfaction in myself alone.

-- Writing stories in school (and being told I'm good at it): Satisfaction and pride in a completed story -- before I analyzed sentence structure and my audience and their approval ad nauseum

-- Feeding cows hay through the fence: affinity/kinship with animals and a desire to take care of them

-- Picking strawberries from Mama Jo and Paw Paw's garden: Wonder at the development of strawberries from small green to white to red

-- Playing in Mama Jo's basement -- discovering "antiques": Creating stories about how the "antiques" came to be there and the vast sums of money they were worth

-- Listening to family histories and stories with Grandma Amma and Jodie: I felt that it was my duty to listen and let them tell me their stories. I wanted them to experience the nostalgia of the past and have the satisfaction of having a young child/descendent listen.

-- Climbing magnolia tree: Freedom and awe at what my body could accomplish

-- Losing birthday balloon: Absolute, terrible loss of something that I was so proud to have in my possession. The balloon was proof that my father loved me.

-- Cutting the grass at Oak Grove: Quiet, uninterrupted daydreaming

-- Week at Rock Ridge camp: Still might be the worst week of my life. Complete knowledge that there were unseen, opposing forces at work in the world that would always try to convince me that my convictions were not right. Total darkness of thought and emotion.

-- When Emmaus was hit by lightning and burned: An intense awe of nature, the excitement of danger, and afterwards, a feeling of loss for the history and a sympathy for my grandparents at their loss.

-- Karate chopping Grandma Amma's old house down: Strength. Power. Knowledge that my body could do anything I wanted it to. (We didn't know the house was pretty much rotting away.)



I am thankful for: washing little boy and big boy clothes. I am thankful to have a big boy (Zeb) and a little boy (Finn) to wash clothes for. (Folding the clothes and putting them away is another story altogether.)

Finn's First Camping Trip

We had a great time, and Finn did great. He didn't want to go to sleep Friday night, but he slept through the night. And he loved running around and picking up pinecones, sticks and rocks. He was one dirty, sleepy kiddo by the time we got home.

17 Months!

Wow. Really. Where does time GO?

Today, Finn is 17 months old. I can't believe it. It's bittersweet, I tell ya.

He:

-- runs and twirls like a mad man.
-- says "bless you!" after anyone (including himself) sneezes.
-- says "the end! bye book!" when we finish reading a book.
-- is enthralled, ENTHRALLED, by sticks, rocks, bark, all those outdoor things.
-- stands on Franklin to reach things.
-- thinks my colander is a hat.
-- loves nothing more than to be on Zeb's shoulders or in the hiking backpack walking through the woods exploring.
-- is 75% in height for his age and 50% for weight.
-- has all of his chompers except for the last set of molars.
-- likes to rip my little herb plants out of their pots by the roots.
-- mimics almost everything we say. Even if he's hesitant about it.

Words he says:
-- Bye!
-- Hey, Mama! Hey, Daddy!
-- Thank you!
-- Please!
-- Welcome!
-- Daddy work.
-- Raccoon
-- Bear
-- Horse
-- Fish
-- Duck
-- A COW!
-- Deer
-- Fork (which doesn't sound a lot like fork)
-- Bowl
-- Spoon
-- Crackers
-- 'Nana (for banana)
-- Nana (for my mom)
-- Mema (for Zeb's mom)
-- Pop (for my dad)
-- Papa (for Zeb's dad)
-- Hey, Brek! (My parents' dog)
-- Ah-chey (for Aunt Rachel)
-- Duck (for Luke)
-- Selah
-- George (for the Curious George that Luke gave him)
-- Elmo (relentlessly)
-- Milk
-- Cup
-- Meat
-- Cheese
-- No, no! (He gets onto himself when he knows he's doing something wrong.)
-- Wawa (for water)


These are what I can think of right now, but he pretty much makes an attempt to say everything. Whether it's understandable or not.

I'm thankful for him every single day.

Svelte-ish.

It's time to brag on myself.

I'm down to 138 pounds! The lowest I've been in my adult life is 135. (But I was kinda flabby then.)

I've gone from a size 12 to a size 6 (skinny jeans!) in three months. That's ridiculous!

And on another note, I have the most energy I've had since adolescence. And the least digestive issues that I've had, well, ever. I feel wonderful. 

Hooray, Paleo!

(If you're interested in trying out the Paleo lifestyle, let me know and I'll send you some pointers.)

Ten Months!

How BIG does this boy look?!?

"There's a belly button under there somewhere."

"Wha'sdat?"

Giving Zeb's creepy old monkey CPR.

If you think it's weird that Finn's playing with an ox hoof, that's because it IS weird. It's a mate  (pronounced mah-TAY) cup that Zeb brought back from his travels in Uruguay.

To give you an update on our boy, Finn:

-- has eight teeth!

-- likes to dance (bounce).

-- barks like our dogs (while bouncing up and down for some reason).

-- stands up by himself for a couple of seconds at a time, gets freaked out, and slooowly lowers himself onto the floor.

-- shakes his finger at me when I get on to him (which is a habit we will be breaking).

-- is a speed demon. Non-stop, this one.

-- eats pretty much anything you put on his tray, and then feeds Franklin the rest.

-- loves to pull ornaments off the Christmas tree.

-- says "Daddy," "Mama" (when he wants a bottle), "Nananana," "Heeeey!," "Bah-bah" (for "bye-bye), "wha'sdat?" (mostly while pointing at the light or fan), "dat," and "dis."

There's just so much going on in that little brain of his. It's clear that he's learning (and listening) everyday. He mimics sounds and pitches almost identically. Which means... Mama's learning to watch her mouth. :)

Bowling Pin Onesie by Margaret!

Abroad

I'm thankful that I know what Venice smells like and what cold, wet jeans feel like above water-logged wellies. I'm thankful for warm espresso in November.

I'm thankful that I had warm wool coats with hoods and knitted toboggan hats when I lived in New York. I'm thankful that our apartment was always warm and inviting. I'm thankful that the smell of hot chocolate and the sounds of friends were not strangers to us there.

I'm thankful to know what the Isle of Skye looks like on a sunny November day -- the kind of day that lets you take off your jacket and feel the freedom of just a t-shirt and a cardigan. I'm thankful that I have seen miles of beauty in the lochs and glens.

I'm thankful that I have eaten gelato on a cold December day in Siena, Italy. I'm thankful that I have walked its hills and alleys, if only for one day.

I'm thankful for travel. The smells, the tastes, the cold and the warmth. And the friends. I'm so, so thankful for the friends that accompany these travel memories.

Little Dragon (cont'd)

Happy Halloween!

Finn with cousin Isaiah the Parrot

On the go

Finn with Mama Jo and me (He liked waving his claws.)

Rawrrr!

"I don't know about that singin' gorilla, Mama."

Poking cousin Holt the Frog in the eye.

Rawrr, again. With Grandmommie, Grandaddy, and Pop

Our little dragon did great and loved his first Halloween. He especially loved the animal crackers that his Grandmommie gave him!

Wish we could've seen everybody, but I hope these photos will suffice!

Fall Festivals and Little Dragons

(I think Finn must be getting a new tooth. Hence the crooked mouth.)

To Sara

A clever (if I do say so myself) metaphor for dating:

[Inner Dialogue whilst scanning through the radio stations on my way home from work]

Eh, this song is pretty good. Better than nothing, I guess.

-- 15 seconds of listening to said song --

Yeah, it's okay. 

-- 5 more seconds of listening to said song --

I wonder if there's anything better on, though.

-- Hit scan button once. Very next station plays:





I'm not saying always look for something better. I'm saying don't settle for "okay" in a world where "Dancing Days" is playing.


Today I'm thankful for: Sara's post (which made me grateful and humbled by the undeserving love and joy in my life.)

Mares Eat Oats, and Does Eat Oats... But I Don't!

The weekend snuck past me! Funny how the weekends fly by these days and the weekdays -- well, they fly by, too.

I'll make up for missing posts on Saturday and Sunday by listing three things I'm grateful for here.

1. A pantry and fridge full of HEALTHY foods. And the money to buy them. I started follow the Paleo diet again yesterday, and I already feel better. It's really amazing to me how fast my digestive issues go away when I eat what I should be eating (or more importantly, not eating what I know I shouldn't be eating.) So I'm not eating grains, dairy, sugar, or excessive carbs of any kind. I don't feel bloated or gassy or tired or depressed. It's a lifestyle I hope to totally adopt, but for now I'm taking baby steps and committing to two full weeks of Paleo.

2. The ability to SAVE money for once. Now that we have two incomes, we can actually pay down our debt and save a little bit for our move in April. This is huge for me. Huge.

3. Alpacas, goats, mini cows, llamas, bunnies, and sheep. We went to Ole McDermitt's Farm and pumpkin patch yesterday, and while Finn was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open, I found it quite the rush to feed carrots to the llama with enormous teeth.

via PuffinArt on Flickr

Texts

"Good morning!" texts from Mr. Barnes, first thing when I wake up in the morning, have to be one of the absolute best things ever.

Gee's Bend

For my mom's birthday in August, we gave her a little overnight trip. So last night, my mom, Finn, and I drove to Selma, Alabama, stayed there overnight, got up this morning, and headed to a place called Gee's Bend in Boykin, Alabama.

Gee's Bend is a community in (very) rural Alabama where women quilt in a very distinct way. Here's an example:

And this one is my mama's favorite:

Aren't they cool? So graphic and different. I love them.

You can listen to or read a feature on Gee's Bend on NPR.com here.

We drove to what really felt like the middle of nowhere. It was kind of awesome and intriguing but also disarming/freaky to me. There weren't houses or stores or anything for stretches of about 15-20 miles. Then there would be a cluster of houses or mobile homes, and then nothing for miles. It was beautiful countryside though with poplars (I think) and spanish moss.

We didn't know what to expect when we got there, but we finally found the Gee's Bend Quilter's Collective -- a little white building that must've been a church initially. And the door was locked. No sign of anybody.

Guess word of a visitor floated through the town quickly though, because shortly after we got there, a lady drove up and let us in. She was a black woman, probably in her 80s, who took an immediate likin' to Finn. She was so fun to talk to -- so friendly -- and if the sole reason we went was to meet her, it was worth it.

We bought small wall hangings and potholders that the quilters had made (which was about all we could afford -- their quilts are art. And justifiably pricey.)

Here's a photo of Finn outside the Quilter's Collective. Preview of the Nine Month Onesie!

We had an interesting day, and I'm so glad we got to spend it with "Nana."

W.I.C.

I'm not ashamed to say that we get W.I.C. vouchers every month for Finn's formula and baby food. Today we had to go to a class which I thought would be about nutrition for babies and children. But it turned out to be about 30 minutes of guided conversations about how to enjoy your children.

I don't have trouble enjoying my child, and it was clear that the other parents in the room don't have trouble enjoying their children either. Teenage moms, a single (and very young) father, and I all sat around a table and discussed what we do with our children that's fun.

It was that simple. I can't say it's convenient to hold a squirming nine month old that long, but I walked away with the belief that, as hectic and chaotic and stressful as parenting can be, most of us enjoy it and would never take it back.

It was a reassuring assessment of humanity, I tell ya.

Lunches with Pop

Finn and I try to meet my dad for lunch about once a week. Today we tried out Max and Henry's on the Carrollton Square, and it was just like eating at the old 302 South Street from about 20 years ago. Funny how certain tastes and smells take you back so quickly and easily.

Finn and I really enjoy getting to see and spend time with his "Pop" on those days. And today Finn got to eat Pop's french fries!

This 31 days of gratitude thing is coming in handy today. All I want to do is wallow in the suckage since Zeb just left to head back to training in south Georgia. (I mean, rip my stinkin' heart out, why dontcha.)

But I have to think of something to be grateful for during the suckage, and I've come up with this: I really like to be around my husband. I mean, I really, really like him. If I wasn't married to him, I'd have a major crush on him. Thank goodness it doesn't have to just be a crush -- I get to be married to him.

I'm so fortunate to have the love of somebody so exceptional.

And dang, I miss him so much when he's not around.

Fall

The weather today actually feels like Fall! I love it. This is, by far, my favorite time of year. And today I'm very grateful to be spending this wonderful weather working on projects outside with Zeb.

Nine Months!

Today I am so, so thankful for our little fella, Finn. He's nine months old today!

Photos coming soon!

Mr. Barnes

I get to see him today! Hooray!

Pike Place Roast

It's the simple things, friends. And today, I was wholly thankful to get my mitts on a grande Pike Place Roast drip coffee (black) from Starbucks.

I was also extremely thankful to have a baby that snoozed during the whole two hour drive back to our home from visiting Genevieve and Lucy north of Atlanta. (Every once in a while Finn would snore/snort, and I was reminded that, yes, that was definitely my kid sitting in the seat behind me.)

Genevieve

I'm thankful for my good friend Genevieve! And that Finn got to meet her today.

(I tried to get a picture, but she wasn't having it... )